HABITS

My cat, Zinnia, wakes me up every morning at the same time, wanting food and to sit on the balcony.  Our mornings together are a microcosm of OCD.  I go to the bathroom, wash my face, then open the balcony door, make coffee, feed her, take some supplements, sit down on the couch to watch the news.  So what's the difference between that routine and mental illness?  Our brains, and apparently all animal brains, are wired to robotically repeat thoughts and actions.  Why?  Are habits genetically preferable traits?

If so, then why do we form both good and bad habits, and rigidly stick to them no matter the consequences?  For example a heroin addict knows he is killing himself with that needle, a fat person knows eating donuts is exacerbating her weight problem, yet they go on doing the same things that inevitably bring negative results, over and over, one action snowballing into thousands of similar ones, until something really sad happens.  How to break the chain?  Because the new, good habit rarely brings sudden joy, and in fact can be downright painful.  The heroin guy replaces the drug with a cup of tea.  The fat lady has a salad instead of a cheeseburger.  Do you think they're having fun? 

I'm trying to replace the bad with the good, but it's not easy.  My idea is to do this so gradually that it will seem ridiculous at the time, but six months from now I'll start seeing results, instead of waking up six months from now saying, now wasn't I going to start on that strict regimen?  But I failed, and now I'm even fatter and more unhealthy.  Which is what I've done too many times.  No, this time I'm taking the low road, the back streets, the way of least resistance.  Most of us fail at forming healthful diet and exercise habits because we hate big changes, and when suffering through them, we become stressed and impatient.  Eventually we give up and go back to our slovenly ways. 

So on this lovely early June morning, as I drink coffee and watch the news, I think, one day I'm gonna replace my sedentary news watching with a run to the beach, like I used to do.  I'd like that old habit back.  And I know I can do it, could do it right now.  I take another sip of coffee.  Let's put that on the goals list, and work toward it slowly.  From here forward, I only take on actions that can comfortably be added to my daily routines and maintained forever.  So maybe I'll take some extra warmup sprints around the tennis court before we play this morning.  Baby steps forward, but no backsliding allowed, those are the basics.  Because I'm never again going to be the way I was two weeks ago.  That's a game plan and a zen koan I think.

Mad Women

People often wonder why women don’t do better in business, why we are paid 50-70% of what men are paid. I believe it’s a problem without a single answer. Certainly, some still believe that women must carry the full burden of child rearing, while the men work – a 1950s era system that has outlived its relevance. I mean, “Mad Men” is a cool show to watch, but do we live in this world anymore? I could go off on that tangent, but there’s another piece of the puzzle I have personally experienced, and recently. Women are frequently ostracized and pushed down by other women. The psychological implications could be argued here, but the fact is that when a female stands up for herself and speaks her mind, she is generally considered to be acting “defensive, argumentative, confrontational”. If a man does the same, he is considered to be “strong, decisive, leadership material”. In business as in personal life, many women in high positions still seek men who will “take care of them”, while tough, outspoken women are considered a threat. Intelligence, frank speaking and forthrightness are rarely appreciated in women by either sex. No wonder many smart women choose to keep their mouths shut and say everything is “perfect” and “fine” just to keep the peace, to play the game.

Muffin mania

Those of you who have stayed at my house know I love to make guests my “famous” healthy muffins.  I haven’t made them in a long, long time – but today I had all of the ingredients so decided to go for it, and it resulted in an epiphany of sorts.  I got everything out, mixed up the wet stuff: bananas, blue agave syrup, vanilla, eggs, splash of brewed coffee.  Then I measured out my flour, and dumped that in.  Only to realize – it wasn’t flour.  It was CORN MEAL!  All that work (and expense) and now I had ruined them!   Or had I?  I went back to my iPad and googled “banana corn meal muffins”, and guess what?  This was actually a thing.  So I just mixed it up (didn’t add my nuts and berries, though), and baked them.  They are awesome!  So today’s advice:  if you fuck up, just pretend you meant to do it that way, serve up your mistake with a smile.  You might just pull it off!  (Of course that doesn’t apply to the banana bread my sister made me a couple of years ago, in which she replaced sugar with salt.  Sorry sis, it’s also true that sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself and start over!) 

Heart of Pine

The heart of the pine is solid, the joints of bamboo are hard; therefore they do not wither in the cold of winter, but continue to flourish even through snow and frost.

What I realize as I observe this is the Tao of establishing life through cultivation and discipline. If people can avoid what is shameful, be sincere, and impartial, then their hearts will be solid. When the heart is solid, one cannot be corrupted by wealth or status, one cannot be moved by poverty or lowliness, one cannot be suppressed by authority or force.

Dealing with events fearlessly, undisturbed by difficulty, the fortunes or misfortunes one may encounter are up to others, while the creation of life is up to oneself.

Liu I-ming (1737-1826)

Cheekless in Hollywood

It's valentines day, and I don't have an official "valentine" - but I do have lots of love in my life from friends, family and cats! One question: concerning LOVE. Jesus said when someone does evil to you, turn the other cheek. What happens when you run out of cheeks?

Greetings from God

Having just been through a horrible experience, where I lost a friend and a business (both were connected), I am convinced more than ever that the old adage “things happen for a reason” blows chunks.  As we move through life, there is signage.  The universe speaks to us, and we must be aware of these messages, respond to them.  I didn’t read that in a book, it’s something I have directly experienced.   So why don’t we see the bad things coming?  Probably we trust other people too much, we expect them to be better than they’re capable of being.

But this notion that God has a plan for each of us, that God controls everything which happens in our lives, is bull crock.  God gives little kids cancer?  God causes people to crash into each other on I-595?  God causes tsunamis and earthquakes that kill tens of thousands of innocents?  God must really be a bastard!  No, to me God is the universe, and we are one with God.  There is no separation, so everything we are, everything that happens, manifests itself from our own thoughts and actions.  We can’t control other peoples’ actions, neither can God.  It’s our individual sparks, those constant, miniscule decisions, which define our world.  In other words, we are God’s agents.  But most of us float through life oblivious, unaware, assuming that God’s got our backs, that God is playing our lives like a puppet show.  I say no, God is us.  Stop making excuses, stop whining that you don’t know what you did to deserve this (if you look inside yourself honestly, you’ll know precisely what you did), stop blaming Him for your treachery, stop taking credit for His grace.  You are, quite simply, blessed to be alive, so be humble and thankful, be kind.  This realization is the source of love.

From the moment our cells gel together and we slide screaming and slimy from that animal vagina, we possess the possibility of transformation.  No better time to begin that process than NOW. 

BITE ME!

So I just got home from my bi-annual dental cleaning, and feeling kind of giddy.  No, I didn't receive any gas or vicodin or drink heavily before I went there.  Paula, my hygienist, is just the BEST.   She told me today something that no dental professional has ever said to me in my entire life, and this is really saying something, she said 'you are my poster child for cleanings.'  In other words, I'm the patient who is so good and uncomplaining and compliant in the chair, she actually enjoys her work.  Stunning comment for me, a patient who breaks out in a cold sweat just entering the building, and who famously bit Dr. Snow the last time he worked on me, hard, even though I was unaware I even did it, it was just an involuntary instinct.  The sound of that drill transforms me into the 8 year old child I once was, when an evil dentist insisted on drilling my huge cavity-pocked molar without anesthesia, and my mom helped them hold me down.  With Paula's flawless technique and calming demeanor, I really don't mind the cleanings at all anymore, in fact one time she did a deep cleaning where she scraped way down under the gums, and I didn't flinch.  So I think sometimes ordinary people "just doing their jobs" can make a big difference in someone's life.  I appreciate you, Paula, but to Dr. Snow I can only say - barbiturates, bite block, headphones blaring Radiohead, let's just do whatever it takes, because 50 years is apparently not long enough to outgrow certain horrors.  I don't wanna leave a trail of blood from Emerald Hills.